Sunday, April 15, 2007

Went to the market for breakfast with Dad. Said something I probably shouldn't have. Anyway, it got him into a rage, not with me, but with everything thats gone wrong with his family. As much as he wears his heart on his sleeve (something I think I got from him), he isn't want of opening up. Today was one of those rare occurances when he lets everything thats troubling him out, and despite the unfortunate circumstances that brought it about, I decided against interrupting.

Fresh insights of course, into the complexities of a family so big and yet one so divided. But it wasn't anything about his family that left any impression on me. No, it was something that had to do with me.

You see, when I was little, perhaps even before my brother was born, my Dad got me started on watching wrestling. Of course, this was before he found out it was all a phoney show, but thats another story. Anyway, it was probably the earliest form of father-son bonding we shared, and come Saturday nights, he'd have the TV on and plonk us both on the sofa, watching the Undertaker decapitate another hapless opponent, or Bret "The Hitman" Hart retain one title or another with his Sharpshooter. But, those nights didn't always end so well, for me anyway. Granny would call him to go down to her place, or someone else's, for him to play mahjong with his siblings and their spouses, and he would oblige, just to please her. But of course, at that age, I didn't understand, and he remembers me, standing at the door, close to tears, begging him not to go. "Papa, don't go", as he recalled.

I remember little of my Dad on Saturdays as a young child because of this, but it seemed to me that I had gotten over it all. After all, it was nearly a decade and a half ago. But when he said the words I purportedly said then, I felt something give. It was like I had locked away the emotions I felt then, and now had them come roaring back at me, the dam holding them back broken. Outwardly, there was no marked change, but inside, I was dealing with a maelstrom.

It hasn't stopped swirling since.

Who knew a kid no older than four could feel so much?

i heard the crickets at 8:54 pm

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